How Can I Learn to Make Decisions Independently of Him?

Note: Our Second Saturday divorce workshop in Raleigh is open to both men and women. However, statistics show women often face more challenges in divorce, especially financially. This question came from a woman who attended one of our workshops, so the answer is based on that perspective.

Making decisions on your own after divorce feels strange. For so long, you have worked together as a team to make most decisions, from what restaurant to try to which insurance company to use.

Striking out on your own, you may feel lost. There is no one to turn to and say, “What do you think?” We often bounce so many ideas and thoughts off our partners that we feel we can’t function on our own.

Relearn Decision Making

That’s not true. You can independently make decisions. Here are some things to remember:

You’ve done it before. Maybe you lived on your own (or with a roommate) for a time before marriage. Think back to that independent life and see if you can take hold of that spirit. You were probably young and figuring things out. You had to find solutions on your own. At one time, it was common for women to move directly from their parent’s house in with their husband. Some took the path of parents — college — husband. If either of those sounds likes you, you may feel it’s even harder to figure things out. But your husband may have taken a business trip or fallen ill at one time during your marriage. During those times, you were on your own.
Photo by Steve Webel
Look for inspiration. Plenty of women in history make fantastic role models, from Rosie the Riveter to more specific figures such as Abigail Adams. For more contemporary models, Oprah’s rags-to-riches story is worth a read. You might even find inspiration in your own life. To whom do you look up: mother, daughter, sister, friend? You can also watch this Credo for Making it Happen by author and speaker Danielle LaPorte.
Start small. Every single day you make small decisions without your partner, things like when to take a shower, what time to run errands. Now that you’re on your own, the bigger decisions are the ones you may struggle with. Make a list and start with the smallest one. Once that is made, choose another. You’ll find it gets easier.
Ask for advice. It’s OK to ask for help or recommendations when deciding about important things such as which lawyer to choose, where to live, what schools are best in your area, and more. Rely on some trusted friends and family members if you’re feeling uncertain. But remember: advice is just that. You can take it or leave it if that advice doesn’t feel right to you.
Don’t be afraid to make mistakes. You will make mistakes here and there. We all do. When you make a decision with your partner, the mistake doesn’t feel so harsh because you both reached the conclusion together. When you’re on your own, there is no one else to take on blame. But that’s OK. The important thing is to accept the mistake, learn from it, and move on. Forbes has a good article about how to make better decisions.
Go with your gut. In the end, you must choose things because it’s what you want or need, not because you think it’s the right choice. Challenge everything you hear and read. There are people out there who scam unsuspecting persons. Don’t be afraid to say no or take the time to research. If something feels wrong or too good to be true, it is.